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Love Magazine

The Low Down on Workplace Masturbation

Masturbation might not be part of your company's core value or a key team building activity. Hell, it might even be explicitly outlawed. But one thing's for sure: guys and girls where you work are engaged in solo sexual antics every day of the week without anyone (ideally) finding out.

woman at work fantasizing about her colleagues
Masturbating at work could increase your productivity

And what's wrong with that? This article explains the benefits of a little workplace wanking, and how horny professionals can let off steam safely without letting their superiors in on their sexy secret.

You Can't Be Productive When You're Always Fantasizing

Firstly, let's make one thing clear: workplace masturbation isn't a drain on your firm's resources. It's not like companies are going out of business on a daily basis because their marketing team can't resist the urge to check out hot Milfs on their smartphones. No, from a business perspective, it's not a major problem.

Actually, when people feel free to masturbate at work, there's a good chance they'll be more productive. Instead of dreaming hours away thinking about fucking, they can focus on the task in hand, after taking themselves in hand.

RELATED: Why Masturbation Should be a Central Part of Any Healthy Sex Life

Masturbating at Work Isn't a Fringe Activity

If you are thinking about making a crafty bathroom break, you're not alone. American workers constantly find ways to wank at work. After all, they're all human, with the same erotic fantasies, and the same mind-numbing tasks to complete.

Magazine surveys suggest that around 35 percent of American workers take cheeky masturbation breaks, so don't feel that you're a freak if you can't resist the desire to do so. It's absolutely mainstream, and even (possibly especially) your managers are in on the act.

Open Plan Office Arrangements are not the Masturbator's Friend

Privacy is the major challenge faced by a workplace wanker. If you have the irresistible urge to pleasure yourself, and you work in an open office with everyone able to see at least the faces of their colleagues, only the most skillful masturbator could ever think about reaching climax in the office space. So don't even try. Sure, if you have a side office, there's possibilities, but that's a different story.

open handbag with vibrator on office desk
Don't forget privacy when you plan a masturbation break

Use Your Office Wisely to Avoid Complications

If you're upwardly mobile and you have an office of your own, that's handy in more ways than one. But be careful. Remember that people are likely to intrude, so lock your door and draw the blinds.

Don't raise suspicion, though. Tell people you're practicing a presentation or writing a keynote speech. And have some air freshener on hand as well (open windows can be a big help). Also, remember to close your email client and avoid any sharing buttons. That can lead to some really nasty (and potentially career-ending) email related snafus.

Perfect the Horny Bathroon Break

For most erotically obsessed employees, the bathroom is the only place to release their sexual energy, but it's also fraught with dangers. Don't assume you can just lock a stall, fire up your phone and whack away.

businessman masturbating in the office bathroom
Most employees will choose the bathroom to pleasure themselves

Remember that you'll be casting jerk-off shadows as you go, so try to compensate with a little strategic foot movement, or become extra-efficient with your hand technique. And be quiet - something that can't be stressed enough. But if someone comes in and you have been making a little noise, don't just go totally quiet. There's nothing more suspicious than total silence after bathroom stall rustling.

Timing Your Masturbation Adventures at Work is a Must

What is the best time of day to escape the desk for a little handheld fun? Well, it's tempting to say "whenever you feel most horny" and in an ideal world, that would be totally the case. But you're not in a dream world, you're at work.

Mid to late afternoon usually works well. Traffic to the bathroom shouldn't be too hard and people will assume you're just taking a break after finishing a job you started in the morning. Lunch is problematic with so many people visiting the john, and going too early just looks suspicisious.

Think About the Geography of Your Workplace

If you don't like the idea of cramming your masturbation into a bathroom stall, that's understandable. But what are your alternatives? Actually, there may be more than you think.

For instance, many office buildings have disused floors or empty side offices that can be locked and used for kinky escapades (check that colleagues aren't getting it on before you enter though). Cupboards and fire escapes might work too, but always beware of fire alarms. No-one wants a crowd of co-workers to stream into the stairwell while they are buttoning up their fly.

What Should You Think About When Masturbating at Work?

This is a deceptively important question, so pay it some mind. You might think that it's cool to whack off to your sexy co-workers. We've all been there. Whether it's the girl from reception with the sexy wink, the Indian beauty who manages accounts, or the horny Milf from personnel who always wears the shortest skirt in the office, we build up an irrepressible urge to masturbate to the people we work with.

sexy secretary on the phone
Are you fantasizing about the sexy girl from the reception?

But try to keep that kind of fantasy under wraps. You'll have to do progress interviews with that foxy Milf, and schedule meetings with the receptionist. So try to stick to porn sites if you can to avoid building up any tricky sexual baggage.

Start a Campaign for More Workplace Masturbation

No wait, that's a serious suggestion. Honestly. Believe it or not, scientists have been studying masturbation at work, and their findings will bolster anyone who routinely visits the bathroom stalls. Most of their reasoning is based around productivity.

By actually scheduling masturbation breaks during the day, companies can keep their staff focused on work, and away from porn sites. Although there are all sorts of barriers to overcome before you actually take the plunge, there's a solid case for raising monkey spanking at your next team meeting. Someone's going to do it eventually.

Forget About Abstinence and Professional Purity: Masturbation Works

So we've seen that there are sound reasons to lubricate the lighthouse or bash the bishop at work. Forget about the apostles of no-fapping, or anyone who says that jerking your Johnson will devastate your mental state.

The truth is exactly the opposite. Workplace masturbation dispels the fog of sexual frustration and clears the decks for total productivity, so give it a go. But do so the smart way by following the guidance we've discussed.

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