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Q:How to Rise Strong and Come Hard: What to Do If You Can't Come When He's Inside

Dear Shannon,

Here's a doozy of a question for you that I never thought I'd be asking: Why can't I come when my boyfriend is inside me?

sad woman because she can't come when he is inside

It's not just him, by the way. I've never been able to climax when a guy is inside me even though having him inside me sometimes feels even better than getting oral. (Sometimes).

I never thought it was a problem...except that, this time, he's not a fuck buddy. I actually am very much in love with my partner.

I used to think that when the "right one" came along, I'd feel that emotional connection and be able to take it all the way, if you know what I mean. Well, we've been going strong for three years...and still nothing, nada.

We haven't talked about it so openly yet but I can tel from the little comments he makes after we have sex that it's something he's noticed. I think it probably bugs him a little. I worry that this will affect our commitment toward each other, in the long run.

Gosh, just thinking about it makes me anxious. Please help!

- I Just Can't

Can't Come When He's Inside? There Are Tricks You Can Use

Dear Just Can't

I can't tell you many couples, in my practice, I see who encounter exactly the same problem. The world of sex and dating is a tricky one to navigate - let alone having these little bumps. It can be downright traumatising for some.

So my first piece of advice to you is a very simple one and I hope it will help alleviate your anxiety: This is way more common than you think and there are totally ways to "overcome" it or work towards eventually being able to achieve the elusive O.

It's Not You...And It's Not Him.

Don't bother wasting your time trying to figure out who's responsible for this. Is it you? Is it him? Yes. It's both. No. It's neither of you. This is to say one thing: forget about who can't or won't. Just focus on what you can do to change it up.

When it comes to sex, there's a physical dimension going on: physical stimulation and physiological responses to excitement. But there's also a mental and emotional sphere that's at play. When all these components come together, it's magic. You reach that climax.

But just because you can't or don't come doesn't mean something's out of alignment. Bodies are strange and individual things so just go with the flow. Try to change it up and see what feels good. Above all, don't freak out. That's the fastest way to lose an erection - and an orgasm.

Physical Things You Can Do

Here's a couple of things you can do to spice up the physical act and hopefully get you closer.

  • Go Slow: When you feel you're close (you as a woman), have him slow down instead of speeding up. You may not be able to come together but slowing down will draw out the sensation for you. Since women take a little more time to warm up, this will elongate his erection so he can last longer as well and you'll be able to really get connected to the sensation of the thrust.
  • Penetration and Fingering: This may be an obvious one but I'm going to put it here just in case you haven't tried it yet. You can start with a session of facesitting and then move to penetration so you're all warmed up. You can also use a vibrator on your clitoris or even grab his fingers and let him go to town as he penetrates you from behind, doggy-style.
  • Ride Him Instead: Have your partner get on his back and you get on top, cowgirl-style. You'll be able to attune his erection to hit deep inside you, adjusting the position to your preference. In the meantime, he's got some lube on his fingers, lovingly fingering you or, if he's particularly enthusiastic, tweeking your nipples with one hand and fingering your clit with the other. The point here is to get as much stimulation of your erogenous zones, simultaneously, as you can.
  • Finding Your Sweet Spot: Believe it or not, some women are simply not clitorally sensitive. Gasp! What? Blasphemy! I know. That usually just means they get their "kicks" from another sensitive spot.

For some women, that's anal stimulation. For others, it's the use of nipple clamps. My point is, give it all a try and be open to finding another spot.

Oh, and one last thing! The clit, like a penis that hasn't been circumcised, has a "hood" on it, a foreskin that protects the delicate little button of magic that it is...and also, sometimes, prevents sensation from going all the way through.

So when you are riding him cowgirl-style, have him focus his loving attention on your clit, making sure to pull back that foreskin so your clitoris is fully exposed from all sides to sensation.

woman naked in bed wondering why she cannot come

Building Associations

This last tip is going to take more work because it requires mental and emotional focus. It could very well be (and it is, for some of my clients) that, somewhere along the line, you've developed some kind of unconscious "guilt" association between coming and penetration.

I don't suggest you waste time and energy trying to "pinpoint" the reason "why" with your therapist. Instead, try to create an association between orgasming and penetration.

When men who have ED undergo therapy, there is usually a psychosexual component to their healing and rehabilitation. I suggest the same for you. So, if you can get off from clitoral stimulation, have your partner work you up to the point of no return and then have him, as quickly as possible, penetrate you with his erect penis.

He may only catch the tail end of the orgasm (or miss it the first time) but, eventually, you guys will be pros and you'll start rebuilding an association between the feeling of him inside you and the feeling of your orgasm.

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Image sources: (1) Christian Fickinger | (2) Rob Stark |