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Q: Why Does My Partner Hate Masturbation, and How Can I Persuade Her to Chill Out?

Dear Shannon. I am a 35 year-old straight guy from Auckland with a partner I love very much who I've been seeing for 3 years now.

Young man masturbating while his partner is away

We get on fine in most ways, including in the sack, but there's one major problem and it's really starting to bug me. Every now and then, when she doesn't reciprocate and she's not up for sex, I feel the need to masturbate. I mean, sometimes the urge just gets too much, and we're not always on the same wavelength. When I jerk off, she tolerates it, but she's clearly not a fan and she's asked me to stop. Or at least jerk off in the bathroom. But I don't see why I should, so what is the solution? Love to know, Stan.


A: Make Masturbation Part of a Fun, Creative Relationship

Hi there, Stan and thanks for the question. Although you might feel alone it's actually a really common complaint, particularly with guys who have been seeing partners for a couple of years.

As things grow stale (or mature, depending on how you look at it), it's only natural for two people's sexual desires to diverge. So, when you're horny, she isn't and vice versa. And as you probably sense, both of you will have different mental universes, with different fantasies and sexual goals. Sometimes this leads to self-satisfaction, instead of mutual stimulation.

As I said before, this isn't unusual. In fact, it's almost universal, and it's not a reason in itself to torpedo a relationship. What it does represent, is the chance to change the way you interact to create a more satisfying, imaginative sexual life. Let's explore a few ways this could happen.

Chat About Why She Has A Problem With Jerking Off

Firstly, it's really important to get your problems out in the open. I appreciate that it's not easy to start a conversation about masturbation, but this is an essential first step to putting your relationship on the right track.

Whatever you do, don't make her feel like the bad guy. Her response to seeing you jerk off is as natural as your need to climax. Put yourself in her shoes. She can see you as you stimulate yourself, but she doesn't know what you're thinking about, and she may feel guilty about not turning you on. All sorts of things could pass through her head.

Be frank about your need to masturbate, and be clear about how it's an issue. You never know, she might just have some sort of kinky fantasy that you haven't discovered. Fulfill that, and you may not need to wank at all.

Remember That Masturbation Doesn't Have to Be A Solo Activity

When you've got things out in the open, try to work masturbation into your everyday sex life. All too often, guys fall into the trap of feeling alone and focusing on their selfish sexual desires. That might not apply to you, but are you trying to stimulate her as much as you can?

Mutual masturbation can be a magical experience, and your girlfriend may be up for it instead of conventional sexual intercourse.

Here's a pro-tip: Explore other sensual avenues - from oral sex and massage to nipple kissing or whatever turns her on. She could even have an armpit fetish - you just never know until you start trying to fulfill each other, instead of just yourself.

Open Up Your Sexual Horizons and Liberate Each Other

Another thing to think about is why your partner doesn't want to have sex. There's a good chance that her resistance isn't because she has suddenly become asexual or lost interest in your body (although sure, that does happen). She might just be yearning for something else, and she might not know exactly what.

The fact that you are forced to masturbate could be a sign that deeper changes are needed in your mutual sex life. So why not be open to experiment and new experiences?

The opportunities are endless. I'm not prescribing any of these as a solution, but here are some possibilities: from facesitting and S&M to bringing other guys in for no-strings attached sex. Sometimes sex just becomes boring and stale, and not everyone is able to say to their partner "I want something more exciting." You could have reached that point.

Take An Honest Look at Yourself: Are You Pulling Your Weight?

Finally, and I mean this in the best possible way, it's important to be honest about your own contribution to your relationship. Nobody is perfect, and when previously healthy sexual relationships go off the rails it's usually a two-way thing.

Have you lost interest in your partner and started to fantasize about other women? Have you been surfing the web for NSA encounters or started watching porn more heavily? And - most importantly - are you really trying to fulfill your partner? Honesty is the best policy, and it may be you just need to try a little harder. Or, failing that, to ditch the relationship entirely.

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