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Q: He can't come from a blow job but there's more to oral than meets the eye

Hi Shannon,

Something weird is going on.

Recently, I can't seem to come from my partner giving me a blow job. It used to be a very frequent part of our sexual "foreplay" but, all of a sudden, these past couple of times we've had sex (in the last two weeks or so), I'm close to the edge but I simply can't seem to complete it.

Worried man who can't come from a blowjob

Obviously, I love when she goes down for me. And it's surprising because she's been away for work for a month and she's only just come back. I actually thought the reverse would happen! That I wouldn't be able to hold it together.

Is not being able to come a sign of early onset ED or something? I don't get it. There's an emotional connection I have with my partner, I'm not just her fuck friend, so I know it's not that. And just so you know, I hadn't masturbated before that because I wanted to save all the good stuff for when we met, y'know?

I get hard, I stay hard and I get to the edge. But I can't seem to actually push over that edge. We once tried for like 30 minutes. Nothing. But the moment we switched to intercourse, wow. I had to seriously control myself from not coming too quickly.

I don't get what's going on. Is this normal? Because it's not like this has always been an issue for me...

Waiting to hear your advice,

Sir Comestance


A: Homecoming: why not all oral is created equal

Good Sir,

You have nothing to fear. It's a common myth that all men ejaculate. Just because female ejaculate is more "rare" or takes a certain technique, doesn't mean men's orgasms can't be as elusive. Men, like women, are not all hardwired to be able to come from a particular type of stimulation.

Does age and health play a factor? Sure. Absolutely. Some men have never been able to come from a blow job. Or a hand job. And that's fine. Others know they're never going to be able to so they don't bother with it. Some men, like you, find that it's suddenly a problem.

But you're also telling me that you're hard, that you feel aroused and actually stay erect, right? You're also telling me that when you've had intercourse, each of these times, you've not only come, you've been able to control your orgasm even though you wanted to come. Clearly, then, it's not a sign of ED.

Erectile dysfunction affects every single part of what I've just described. It affects arousal, masturbation, staying hard, ejaculation and intercourse itself.

That doesn't mean, though, that there isn't something going on behind the scenes or that you and your partner can't take steps to actually address this. Right now, there's no need to panic. Try a couple of these tips at home the next time and see what happens.

You mentioned that you didn't masturbate in the hours leading up before. What about the day before? That could be it. Another aspect could also be stress and the anticipation of finally seeing your partner leading to a kind of pressure. After all, it's not like you're just going for some NSA fun. You're very aware of the fact that it's your partner.

It's not quite like performance anxiety. It's more an issue of feeling completely relaxed. So relaxed, in fact, that your arousal takes front and center stage. You let go of any control or any need to have a say in where or how your orgasm arrives.

Were you hyper-aware of your partner giving you oral? Because that awareness could be blocking off your ability to be present.

If you've seen your partner after a long time, then you may be busy taking her in with your eyes. You're doing that whole "spectator-sport" thing without actually being a player.

Woman about to perform oral sex on her partner

Another reason for suddenly not being able to come from a blow job is just a simple lack of inadequate stimulation. If your partner is a woman (or even if you're a "top" gay man), penetration in a vaginal or rectal hole is so much more tightly compact and intense than mouth-to-penis suction.

Yes, getting oral feels amazing. And that's because of the variety. That's because your partner can do intense things with their tongue. Or lightly run their teeth of the shaft. Or change pressure. Or even change to using a hand.

But even if your partner ends up deep-throating you, the "fit" of a penis in a mouth is just not the same as a vaginal or rectal opening, amirite?

So change the sensation and start with the more intense form of stimulation.

Try starting with intercourse next time and then, when you're about to get on the edge or you want a bit of a change, switch to a blow job instead. You'll find that this mix in routine from foreplay to edge-play may get you back on track.

Other couples who encounter this issue also decide to use a combination of a blow job and a hand job. Several other couples also switch to using feet in between to mix it up, try something new and keep changing those sensations of stimulation.

Who knows? The sheer novelty of this might be the thing that gets you off.

So much of sex - including oral - is all about the imagination. It's not just about what you do or don't do - it's about where you go. Where you go, in your mind. Do you wander off or do you stay present? Are other things interrupting you? Is there enough focus and attention? And, is there something new and exciting to try and look forward to?

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