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Q: Swing Kings: Get Your Partner Excited About Swinging

Dear Shannon,

I recently found out (somewhat accidentally) that a close friend of mine and his wife...practice being swingers "from time to time", according to him. I say "accidentally", because he propositioned me and my long-term girlfriend.

swingers couple looking for another couple to swing with

Thankfully, she was in the bathroom at this restaurant we were all at. He asked if I had ever considered it and I'll be honest - I hadn't. I mean, I have lots of kinky fantasies (latex fetish included) and we spice it up with a naughty date or two.

She's great. Very encouraging and she's always up for trying anything once. But...I don't know if this would be one of those "things".

Because whatever we've "tried" has always been between us. One on one. A secret, sexual, private, in-our-bedroom show.

But now that I know this - I can't un-know it, you know? I think about my friend going out and having these...sexual adventures that I didn't even know he was having and I think about what it might be like if we had the same thing, my girlfriend and I...

What do you think? Is broaching this up with her basically a suicide mission? Our sex is great but maybe it could be better. It can always get better, right? Maybe we're a little bored with each other...

I'd love your insight!

Sincerely,

Swinglife


A: Get on the Same Page - Fast!

Dear "Swinglife",

Are you sure that's the right name for you? Perhaps you would do better being called, "Maybe Baby" because I counted two "maybe"s there, not to mention your whole hesitant tone. So let me ask you the most obvious question here: how bad do you want this?

It sounds like "maybe" your friend has planted this idea in your head and now you "maybe" are fantasizing about what it would "maybe" be like to experience it. In other words, you're looking for novelty and if that's all this is about "maybe" swinging isn't for you.

The swinger's lifestyle is a lifestyle for a reason. Sure, you're not bound for life or anything but if your partner doesn't choose it for herself...you're going to end up with a lot of resentment, hurt, anger, frustration, jealousy...and the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" will take on a new and unpleasant meaning for you, personally.

So it's time to get on the same page - first, with yourself. Examine the real reasons why you may want this. What's in it for you? Make a list. Then, sleep on it and wake up the next day and scratch out everything on that list that doesn't actually feel true and write down new reasons.

Do this a third time. Your first and second instincts will be to lie. Your third instinct might finally be the honest truth.

Next, you want to try and get on the same page as her. Broaching up the topic is a delicate darling - so read on to get some tips on how to sever that Gordian knot.

Don't Surprise Her

Do not, under any circumstances, be dumb enough to take her to a party where people are swinging or even just broach this in a public setting. Even if it's just the two of you at home. No. Wrong. This is the fastest way to get her shut down and defensive.

You want to have this conversation at home, preferably NOT post-coitus, when you're both relaxing. Just do it. Drop the bomb.

Let her know you'd like to experience this with her. Keep your words inclusive as much as possible. "Us", "together" and "the two of us" gives you a good idea of the kind of language you want to use.

Don't cringe. But do be ready for questions. Most importantly, don't be on the defensive.

How to get her open to the idea

Unless she's been thinking about this herself (or is prone to suggest threesomes to you every week...which, it doesn't sound like that's the case here), she's going to immediately be on the defensive.

Questions like, "Why doesn't he love me?", "Why does he want to be with other women?", "Don't we have great sex?" will fly through her mind. That's okay. Don't panic. Stay calm. Let her know this is a conversation you want to have with her.

Stress how you'll both be together and experiencing this for the first time. It's as new for you as for her. Empathize in this moment as much as possible because that's going to be what is going to get her open to the idea.

And, for goodness sake, don't go in there trying to "sell" her on it. Let her know why you think it might be fun or exciting. Ask her how she feels about it. Have the courage, at that point, to ask her what she thinks about your current sex life.

swingers lying on the floor

While you may have been thinking about this for a while, that may or may not be the case with her. So ease her into it. You may be popping her monogamy cherry, after all, with this conversation.

If it Happens...Here's What to be Aware Of

Okay stud, er, I mean Swinglife. Here are some things to remember if you both eventually make it to the Promised Swingdom:

  • Don't start with an anonymous party. Start with friends and be in the company of friends.
  • Throughout the process, make her feel special and like, after all is said and done, she is the one (which...she is, right?)
  • Be as open and transparent about what a swinger is and what the lifestyle is about.
  • And, lastly, either make these swinging friends together or let her make them on her own, because women feel more empowered when they're in control of their bodies and partners. That's the tradeoff, I'm afraid, for you being able to have sanctioned sex with another woman.

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